Self Worth

Its hard to talk about humans and not mention relationships, you see couples everywhere,from streets to restaurants to cinema to gardens, events, churches... literally everywhere but even then, we find also a lot of single lonely people most of them empty and broken but i wonder if anyone has the power to break another except we give them that chance. Like my mama always says ''anything gotten easy is never taken serious but if worked for is taken very seriously'' but of course there are exceptions to that rule, certain people do not know how to value a diamond if they found one. This got me thinking, how do i filter the number of people i let walk into my life to reduce the hurt, the only rational answer i got was to raise my standards, it is my life and my choices. I know of some couples (names withdrawn) that suffered severely in their relationships but could not muster the courage to walk away because of the fear of finding another who might be half as good as the present man or woman so deny themselves the chance of true companionship. I feel the only reason one will do this is because he/she lacks the love for themselves. what aches most is that most times we try to change to fit the picture that this supposed significant other feels we should be, that we forget who we really are... we run after them like lost puppies hungry for any home and forget we are worth the best and should never settle.
I remember sometime ago during my college days, i was single and had a lot of dating friend who were of the opinion that i was single because my standards were too high or because i was too opinionated but why shouldn't i be, ''the aim is not to be with anybody but to be with somebody''. I remain grateful that i stood with my standards because i saved my heart a lot of aches and crying.
The worst thing we can do to ourselves is settle, the rest of your life is too long to settle, i mean way to long to feel unhappy, not good enough, unappreciated, to feel unloved or feel alone.
Personally i think before you go into a relationship you should enjoy being single, enjoy knowing your self, enjoy your own company and love who you have grown to be, so when you finally let some one into your life, you know what you want and wont let just anyone in, only those who can fit into the world you love but of course you should be open to new ideas and please feel free to retreat if your not comfortable with it.
No one knows the recipe of finding true love or avoiding getting hurt but we can try to avoid being broken or shattered, we can reduce the hurt and give ourselves some standard, some level of self satisfaction, embracing who and what we are, besides in the end all that matters is our happiness.

''Till Death Do Us Part?''

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I still couldn't get out of the shock, i couldn't believe he had killed her and is being consoled for his loss.....

This all started on a cold day, i was in a very lazy mood mostly because of the showers of rain, i love a rainy weather by the way, it makes me very mushy (smiles), then a scream brought me to reality, i looked out my window, but saw nothing, i knew it came from the next apartment (it was a compound of only two flats).

This was the third time this week i had heard such screams and when i tried to find out the cause of these alarming screams all i got was a '' nothing, we are fine'' although i knew something was wrong.

They would both smile but i knew she was not fine, we (my husband and i) have tried to get her in a private corner, to get a little information on the cause of all her scars, but she always gave a ridiculous story of how she fell down the staircase or hit her head, which could be true, but who or what was the force behind it?, this was a question she never answered even though we both knew who the force was. We couldn't fight the battle for her if she never owned up to it all.

This time the screams were continuous and i could tell they were screams of pain but weaker, i felt something in me shrink, i wished dee was home (my husband), i was too scared to go over there all alone, i could be beaten too; then everywhere went really quiet, i was glad this round of beating was all over.

I heard him storm out and drive off as usual, after beating the hell out of her, i watched the car go out of site from my window, then i jumped into my slippers and ran to their apartment, i knocked for long but got no response, ''maybe she wanted to be alone'' i said to myself and walked away.

Later that evening i heard the sound of an ambulance and wondered what was the emergency, dee was home and we were trying enjoy a cool meal before the ''wiiiiiinnnn woooorrrrr'' sound intruded, the sound got closer, we got alarmed and rushed outside only to realize our neighbor (the wife) was being rushed to the hospital, i felt my heart stop for a moment, '' let her survive this'' i prayed, i saw the perpetrator explain that he just got home and met her in that state, but that was the state he left her, how couldn't they know he did that to her?, i had a lot of questions in my heard, why didn't she leave him, why didn't she save her self......

She was confirmed dead later that night, the doctors said her heart stopped and couldn't give a reason why, how did he cover all this up, how is he the aggrieved?..... 

''is marriage really till death do us part???''    ''isn't our lives and happiness priority??''

Child Bearing; A Woman's Purpose?

Whats purpose? it is the reason why something is done or created.
Can we then say child bearing is a woman's purpose?
This was the the argument i had last week Saturday with a colleague of mine who said ''what else is a woman's purpose, if not to born children''... i couldn't hide my irritation and anger, how can you say something like that, lets not get emotional but lets put facts in this.
First of all, reading the bible i know God created woman to be a helping hand not a ''child bearing machine'', thus giving us a purpose, to aid a man, to help him, to assist him, reduce his burden.
Secondly i also know that the bible says ''go into the world and multiply'' referring to both Adam and Eve because multiplying or child bearing cannot be done without the existence of the both humans, but somehow we have gotten it all wrong, i see some men marry women and confine them to child bearing year after year that you cant describe her without saying pregnant.
Thereafter you see men complain ''every time money, money'', referring to their wives, or how she doesn't know how hard it is out on the streets; needing a little assistance which women are created to give but have been confined to become only house wives but woman are made for much more, this of course is dependent on how liberated they are in their homes.
A woman has been gifted to be able assist a man in every way possible, keep the home and bear children.
Therefore i can boldly say child bearing is one of the many purposes of a woman but not her primary purpose.




                                              FEEL FREE TO WRITE YOUR VIEWS

The Man In The Fantasy 3

The feeling of heartbreak can never be over-emphasized, I felt like bursting open, but no tears seemed to flow, I tried screaming, but no sound came forth… I realized that I was on the path to the church, of course where else could heal this pain? I just wanted to rip off my heart so I could feel or remember nothing…. I wanted to grow numb to the pain, and erase every memory. But how could I erase a memory that began ten years ago…. That’s like erasing my entire childhood. He has been in my life for way too long, I can’t remember certain stages of my life without his footprint in it. Suddenly, the feeling of guilt set in and lots of questions ran through my mind: could it be my fault; could I have pushed him away; wasn’t I pretty enough; wasn’t I good enough… I suddenly didn’t feel pretty anymore, I didn’t feel I could make a room light up by just stepping in…. I could feel my ego shrink to the barest minimum or should I say disappear…. Abruptly, regret kicked in and I murmured silently: I wish I never met him; I wished my family never relocated, thus giving us an opportunity to ever meet. I wish… wish… wish… so many regrets came but the fact was I was still hurt and no regret could save me…… I was broken….. No no no… shattered.

Just then in the gloom of it all, I found a light, not bright, but definitely not dark; it seemed to call to me telling me to live above the pain, to embrace it and own it. Yes derrick existed, but he no longer does, at least in my world he didn’t. Yes, we were together for about a decade but he is now a memory of the best thing I was never meant to have. I saw a reflection; it was me in the church window… I realized I had gotten to the church; I wasn’t perfect, but damn I looked good with all my rough edges, yes, I was the perfect me and wasn’t going to change to fit in with anyone, I like me… if I wasn’t worth being faithful to by him, am sure, am worth being faithful to by another. Finally letting myself breath I felt a tear drop. Finally, I spoke up, as if to let me hear myself

‘’He was a phase to learn from. He rented a space in my heart, but has moved out…. He was never mine…

His purpose, he served…. I was never his…. We were never meant to be…. ‘’

I felt my heart beat return to normal…. He was just a fantasy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

The man in the fantasy 2

Hey Hey, sorry for the break in transmission, but that meeting was urgent…..

Anyway…… soon after our date, we had just settled in and was trying to enjoy a nice meal, yes, another meal hahaha…. the love of a perfectly peppered chicken. I could taste all the spices in each bite, I felt his eyes burning through me as he stared. He loved how I ate and always referred me to a baby, then I observed he wasn’t eating, his legs were shaking, hold on; he only does that when he’s nervous, but he looked scared as if there was a lot on his mind but he didn’t know how to say it or was he sick…. 

Then all so sudden I felt the room go cold. I always trust my gut and this time it sounded really sad, all didn’t seem well, what was going on… I finally spoke up. "D" what’s wrong? Yeah, his name was derrick but I called him "D". I didn’t get any response which scared me more. 

What could be wrong? I get panic attacks very quickly, I could already imagine a million things that could be wrong, is he breaking up with me; is he sick; did he lose someone; or did I lose someone and he didn’t know how to tell me;… what is wrong? This suspense was too much, but we were outside and I hate public shows, I had to contain myself and fears… this time I held his hand and repeated myself “D" please talk to me, you know we never hide anything from each other. He smiles and I feel a bit better, but my gut still hits me up. Finally, he speaks ‘’ am having a baby’’ I could swear I heard wrongly, please this should be the prank of the year… was I pregnant and I didn’t know or is he adopting one… there had to be another reason, a logical one at that, to explain what he meant because I sure as hell wasn’t pregnant… I tried to speak but couldn’t muster up words or a sound…. 

I felt really cold and alone, I could hear his words of promises of how we would be together forever or how our family would turn out to be, names for our children we picked, how could he have cheated on me?…. How? We spent most times together day and nights, when we were apart, we spoke or chatted each other… I felt a tug on my arm, he was sitting right in front of me. I think he said he was sorry, but what he was sorry for I couldn’t understand, was it for wasting my time? Making a mockery of me in front of our families? I felt myself stand and move, where I was going I didn’t know, I just wanted to be alone…….

To be continued. 

The man in the fantasy

Haloo
Am back, sorry for the typo errors earlier on was trying to combine work and blogging...  I work by the way but trust me I day dream a lot....  Remember I said I love to think which is a better way to put it than saying day dream.
Today as always I drifted, this time it was about a relationship that I had built for over 10 years...  You know that kind of relationship we all crave for after you have had your heart broken a million times before....  Yeah that kind of love that both families have given their silent consent and are just waiting for both parties to officially come up and express their desires and needs to be together. We loved our selves soo much, always on the phone I think I started to develop an ear ache... Of course there had to be people who had their own opinions about our relationship, I mean he was 3 years older but we had known ourselves since forever and didn't really play the "am older game" like they expected. we flowed like water, there was no resistance in our talks, emotions or sacrifices. it was just mutual and perfect for me. I mean it seemed like he walked out of my dreams; did I mention he had six packs? may be not six but four at least....He was just what the doctors prescribed.  Before I get carried away by his looks we attend the same school, though different departments. I love a good argument so i decided to major in law and my boo was a civil engineer to be. We had decided to own a firm together in future, oblivious of how to combine both professions in one company lol.... Any ways we were out on a lovely date and i just ordered my favorite peppered chicken and beans puddy,  popularly known as "moi-moi" and then I felt someone tap me, like I mean in reality, omg it was 3:00 pm, it was time for my board meeting.  so there left my prince charming....
To be continued