The Man In The Fantasy 3

The feeling of heartbreak can never be over-emphasized, I felt like bursting open, but no tears seemed to flow, I tried screaming, but no sound came forth… I realized that I was on the path to the church, of course where else could heal this pain? I just wanted to rip off my heart so I could feel or remember nothing…. I wanted to grow numb to the pain, and erase every memory. But how could I erase a memory that began ten years ago…. That’s like erasing my entire childhood. He has been in my life for way too long, I can’t remember certain stages of my life without his footprint in it. Suddenly, the feeling of guilt set in and lots of questions ran through my mind: could it be my fault; could I have pushed him away; wasn’t I pretty enough; wasn’t I good enough… I suddenly didn’t feel pretty anymore, I didn’t feel I could make a room light up by just stepping in…. I could feel my ego shrink to the barest minimum or should I say disappear…. Abruptly, regret kicked in and I murmured silently: I wish I never met him; I wished my family never relocated, thus giving us an opportunity to ever meet. I wish… wish… wish… so many regrets came but the fact was I was still hurt and no regret could save me…… I was broken….. No no no… shattered.

Just then in the gloom of it all, I found a light, not bright, but definitely not dark; it seemed to call to me telling me to live above the pain, to embrace it and own it. Yes derrick existed, but he no longer does, at least in my world he didn’t. Yes, we were together for about a decade but he is now a memory of the best thing I was never meant to have. I saw a reflection; it was me in the church window… I realized I had gotten to the church; I wasn’t perfect, but damn I looked good with all my rough edges, yes, I was the perfect me and wasn’t going to change to fit in with anyone, I like me… if I wasn’t worth being faithful to by him, am sure, am worth being faithful to by another. Finally letting myself breath I felt a tear drop. Finally, I spoke up, as if to let me hear myself

‘’He was a phase to learn from. He rented a space in my heart, but has moved out…. He was never mine…

His purpose, he served…. I was never his…. We were never meant to be…. ‘’

I felt my heart beat return to normal…. He was just a fantasy.